Bridging Course: Feedback on Writing 1

Me: "You all write well!"
You: "If we all write so well, why is there so much red on my assignment?"

I am sorry there is so much red, and I hope that it does not confuse you. Please talk to me if you are confused, or if you want to hear the my answers to questions that I have asked about what you have written. I use a lot of red because there are lots of comments that I want to make about your writing. If I was teaching you for a year, or if I could give you a new writing assignment every class, I would be able to focus on one issue per assignment, and therefore write less each time. But this is not the situation (unless you want to submit a new piece of writing every class...)

I have commented about:
FORMAT, which should be straightforward unless you have problems with punctuation;
the STRUCTURE of the piece of writing as a whole and the structure of each paragraph;
the CONTENT;
the GRAMMAR, SPELLING and STYLE;
and the UNITY and COHERENCE, which is linked to the structure, but involves the use of words to indicate the structure rather than issues of logic.

FORMAT: There are two basic formats:
single spacing for paragraphs, no indentation, and double spacing between paragraphs;
double spacing throughout (except for long quotations), and indented paragraphs.
The second style is used in student writing, and in academic writing as a whole, because comments made by peer reviewers and teachers are easier to read.

CONTENT
1. Academic writing should be accurate rather than vague, or inaccurate. All points must be supported by reliable evidence. For example, rather than saying "Lots of people like this manga", you should give evidence that shows how popular it is by finding appropriate data, such as its ranking on Amazon or in a recent opinion poll about favorite manga or manga characters.
2. This means that when you use something that you have read, you must make sure that your interpretation of the reading material is correct. This was a problem that many people had in this assignment. Did Philip Seaton say that he himself thought that manga were cruel? Whose opinion was he talking about? (It was interesting that no one took up the issue of sexual explicitness.)
3. When you use or refer to something that you have read, you must a) make sure that the reader knows that you are doing this by citing it [we will talk about this later], and b) you must either use your own words or show that you are quoting the original words by using "quotation marks". If you neglect this, you are committing the academic crime known as "plagiarism". Again, we will talk more about plagiarism later.

STRUCTURE:
1. A piece of writing should have one main idea. Students are normally told to express their main idea clearly in a "thesis statement" at, or near, the end of the introduction. This obviously helps the reader, who will know from the beginning what the writer is trying to do. However, it also helps the writer. In order to write a strong thesis statement, you must understand why you are writing this assignment, and what you need to explain or prove. If you understand this at the beginning, you are more likely to be able to write a well-structured piece.
2. Everything that follows should be linked to the main idea in a logical order that allows the reader to follow your ideas and encourages them to agree with you. (We will talk about different types of logical order later.)
3. The same applies, on a smaller scale, to each section and paragraph. Students are normally told to start paragraphs with "topic sentences" that clearly state the topic of the paragraph. This is not essential, but it is certainly a way of writing that should help you to produce paragraphs that have a clear focus.
4. Your piece of writing (and possibly each of its sections) should end with a conclusion that sums up what you have said. You should probably restate your main idea and the main points with which you supported it. You should not introduce any issue that might confuse the reader, or make him/her think that your piece of writing is not complete. However, you can show the relevance of what you have written to a related issue.

GRAMMAR/STYLE issues:

1. Avoid frequent use of "I", especially when giving an opinion. (Why?) Rather than "I think", "I agree/disagree", be more indirect. Notice what Tsutsui does. I often use verbs such as "seem" and "appear", adverbs such as "surely" and "probably", or phrases such as "It is clear/probable/likely that". Similarly, do not address the reader directly as "you". More impersonal alternatives are "one", "we(?)" and "people", all of which include the writer as well as the reader.

2. Avoid "presentation style". This includes the use of "I" and "you", but also the use of rhetorical questions (Are manga really cruel?), listing of the main points at the end of the introduction (First I will write about X, then Y, then Z), and repetition when moving from one point to the next (Now that I have explained V, I will go on to W). (See the comparison between writing style and presentation style on pp. 46-47 of the Study Skills textbook.)

3. "Would" and "could" caused some problems. I am not sure why...

Look at these examples. Do any need to be corrected? How?

1. We could have felt grateful when someone helps us.
2. It will be difficult to communicate if people had to be honest all the time.
3. A lie that is created out of kindness would be justified
4. If doctors do not tell the patients that they are dying, they could spend their remaining time happily.
5. It is not clear who would be responsible for a human clone while s/he was growing up.
6. A doctor would never enjoy lying to patients.
Try this explanation of will and would (with an accompanying quiz) from the British Council Learn English website.
Advice for rewriting:
If you do not understand how to improve your grammar and style, please ask me. There is some advice above, and also in these parts of my website: